Hey all - I'm sorry I'm so terrible at updating things. I'm still trying to find the time to upload my videos from Connecticon and that happened nearly a month ago. I began a new job two months ago and I'm still trying to get used to it as well as balancing a personal life. It hasn't been easy.
I've had a really shitty day and I miss the hell out of writing so I thought I would pop on over here and vent my thoughts a little. Ya know, hopefully get back into the groove of writing again.
One of the worst feelings in the world is being alone and having everyone against you. Sure you can shake it off when it's coming from complete strangers, even coworkers or classmates. But it is so much harder when it is your family, the people who are always supposed to have your back and have your best interests at heart. What a joke.
I often feel as if I'm the only sane person in my family and the only one with actual sense. Typically I am the voice of reason and I think logically about situations. I also refuse to be controlled and manipulated, which is the root of much clashing. I am often told in a nasty and negative way that I'm just like my father simply because I refuse to blindly agree and go with every little thing the heads of my family try to force upon me. I am just like my father was, and I'm damn proud to be - he was generous, kind, strong, thoughtful, intelligent, loving and supportive. Everything that my family often is not with me.
I discovered today that a major decision involving me and pretty much my life was made without my knowledge or input. Rightfully so, I was angry and upset. I didn't bother to try to get the others to reason or see my side of things because they never do, and they don't care what I have to say. A family member pretty much flat out told me that what I want does not matter. Yet I would be expected to help out and fund this venture if it does eventually go as my family hopes. And goddess forbid I show anyone the same low to non-existent level of respect that they show me.
I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough, my family always has their hands out demanding more and more from me. I do one thing and they expect more. I took on a very consuming job that I really in the beginning did not want but had to take to shut everyone up and to help out with bills. Luckily, I enjoy my job so it didn't end all that badly. I gave up a lot of things in my life in order to work almost every day. I pay my share of bills in my household, yet I get treated like I pay nothing at all. I get treated like I should be working 24/7, waiting hand and foot on my mother and handing over every cent of my paychecks.
No. No. No. The thing is - I have my own life I need to live. My purpose in life is not to please anyone or be anyone's servant or dogs. I don't want to become like my parents. I have big dreams and ambitions that I intend to achieve, but I can't if I'm constantly being held back and berated for trying to go after them. See why I am so angry and hurt? Some may call what I constantly have to deal with abusive.
I am thankful for my friends. For the last few months I have felt alone, some of my friends have been too busy for me. But I am lucky to have one friend that no matter what she's dealing with is always there for me. I consider my friends my family, and their positivity really helps to balance out the negativity from my flesh and blood.
Thanks for listening to my rambling rant and I apologize if I sound like an embarrassing teenager airing their dirty laundry. But I do feel a bit better now. Plus retail therapy sure didn't hurt.
To end on a positive note - I send love and peaceful vibes your way, whoever you may be reading this. I wish that I could stay up all night and catch up on my various projects so that I can post them and share them with you all, but alas I have to work tomorrow....and I'm dying to play some Fallout 3.
Xoxo
Heather Zombie
