One of the Worst Feelings

Hey all - I'm sorry I'm so terrible at updating things. I'm still trying to find the time to upload my videos from Connecticon and that happened nearly a month ago. I began a new job two months ago and I'm still trying to get used to it as well as balancing a personal life. It hasn't been easy.

I've had a really shitty day and I miss the hell out of writing so I thought I would pop on over here and vent my thoughts a little. Ya know, hopefully get back into the groove of writing again.

One of the worst feelings in the world is being alone and having everyone against you. Sure you can shake it off when it's coming from complete strangers, even coworkers or classmates. But it is so much harder when it is your family, the people who are always supposed to have your back and have your best interests at heart. What a joke.

I often feel as if I'm the only sane person in my family and the only one with actual sense. Typically I am the voice of reason and I think logically about situations. I also refuse to be controlled and manipulated, which is the root of much clashing. I am often told in a nasty and negative way that I'm just like my father simply because I refuse to blindly agree and go with every little thing the heads of my family try to force upon me. I am just like my father was, and I'm damn proud to be - he was generous, kind, strong, thoughtful, intelligent, loving and supportive. Everything that my family often is not with me.

I discovered today that a major decision involving me and pretty much my life was made without my knowledge or input. Rightfully so, I was angry and upset. I didn't bother to try to get the others to reason or see my side of things because they never do, and they don't care what I have to say. A family member pretty much flat out told me that what I want does not matter. Yet I would be expected to help out and fund this venture if it does eventually go as my family hopes. And goddess forbid I show anyone the same low to non-existent level of respect that they show me.

I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough, my family always has their hands out demanding more and more from me. I do one thing and they expect more. I took on a very consuming job that I really in the beginning did not want but had to take to shut everyone up and to help out with bills. Luckily, I enjoy my job so it didn't end all that badly. I gave up a lot of things in my life in order to work almost every day. I pay my share of bills in my household, yet I get treated like I pay nothing at all. I get treated like I should be working 24/7, waiting hand and foot on my mother and handing over every cent of my paychecks.

 No. No. No. The thing is - I have my own life I need to live. My purpose in life is not to please anyone or be anyone's servant or dogs. I don't want to become like my parents. I have big dreams and ambitions that I intend to achieve, but I can't if I'm constantly being held back and berated for trying to go after them. See why I am so angry and hurt? Some may call what I constantly have to deal with abusive.

I am thankful for my friends. For the last few months I have felt alone, some of my friends have been too busy for me. But I am lucky to have one friend that no matter what she's dealing with is always there for me. I consider my friends my family, and their positivity really helps to balance out the negativity from my flesh and blood.

Thanks for listening to my rambling rant and I apologize if I sound like an embarrassing teenager airing their dirty laundry. But I do feel a bit better now. Plus retail therapy sure didn't hurt.

To end on a positive note - I send love and peaceful vibes your way, whoever you may be reading this. I wish that I could stay up all night and catch up on my various projects so that I can post them and share them with you all, but alas I have to work tomorrow....and I'm dying to play some Fallout 3.

Xoxo

Heather Zombie

Miraculous Thoughts: Ladybug and Cat Noir

Hello my dears! I apologize for my lengthy absence, my attentions have been elsewhere. My mind has been a jumble as I begin to prepare for Connecticon this summer along with a bunch of other projects that I've been working on.

It's worth noting that I started posting some videos to youtube, if you would like to check that out you may do so here:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNPaBj4dk07vVa09iAEBBcg

 I also now have all of my links (my social media, blogs, youtube, instagram accounts) on my tumblr! So check that out! heichouswitch.tumblr.com .

While browsing Netflix last week in search of a new show to watch I came across Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir. In short: I was super pumped! I had heard a lot about this show as someone who is a fan of of the Disney XD shows Star Vs. The Forces of Evil and Gravity Falls. I was also introduced to this show before it was ever released. A few years ago, my friend Cara showed me an anime trailer for this show because she was really excited for it (and she thought that cat noir looked beautifully gay in his costume). I had tried to catch the show on Nickelodeon, its American home as well as on their streaming site but I hadn't had any luck so I gave up until I found it on Netflix. Such a lovely surprise!

Going in, I didn't know much about the show to be honest. I just knew that it was about a crime fighting duo in France called Ladybug and Cat Noir and it looked pretty cool. I was a little embarrassed at first to be so excited about this show because let's be honest - upon first glance it does seem like its pretty childish. Not any sort of mortifying embarrassment, just the amount from admitting as an adult woman that I occasionally watch My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. But nevertheless, I delved in with an open mind and was pleasantly surprised.

Yes, Miraculous can be a little cheesy at times but it is cheesy in the best way. It is a French 3D CGI animated cartoon that collaborated with the Japanese company Toei Animation (responsible for the likes of Sailor Moon and Dragon Ball).

 It is about a girl named Marinette Dupain-Cheng  (no not Marionette, Marinette) who has a huge secret - she can transform into a crime fighting magical girl called Ladybug complete with a spandex red with black spots bodysuit and an eye mask. Her partner (of which she does not know his actual identity, nor him hers) Cat Noir is none other than her crush Adrien Agreste. A man named Hawk Moth is shown hiding out in a dark tower surrounded by butterflies; he is their nemesis. Hawk Moth is bent upon stealing Ladybug and Cat Noir's Miraculouses (a miraculous is what the source of their power is called), in the process he dispatches Akuma; butterflies that deliver dark power to someone suffering from anger. These butterflies posses their target and feed upon these feelings, then uses them to transform the person into an evil super villain to rein destruction upon Paris. It is up to Ladybug and Cat Noir to stop these Akuma all the while saving the person possessed.

 

As I have mentioned the show is set in Paris, France - the setting is a huge part of the story as well as its magic (no pun intended). The creator has stated that they wanted to really capture the magic and beauty of Paris in this cartoon and they did a fantastic job. The animation s beautiful and it depicts Paris as a lovely place. Plus all of the characters have pretty French names, which to be honest I have fun saying.

I am just about halfway through season one (season two is hopefully coming out this year) and although I haven't finished it yet, I really wanted to share my thoughts so far. I will first start with the good - what I like about this show and what it is doing right.

 

My favorite aspect of Miraculous of course, is the entire magical girl concept. I am a huge lover of the magical girl genre and it makes me so happy to begin seeing it more on American TV.  Ladybug is a pretty self sufficient and strong hero. I honestly think a lot of the time she doesn't truly need Cat Noir but the show wouldn't be as great or as balanced without him. She is not a damsel in distress, more often than not Cat Noir gets himself into trouble and she ends up having to help him. She gets things done, properly saving people and de-evilizing the akuma.

As a person, Marinette is also a wonderful character. She is intelligent and seems to do well in school (when she doesn't skip out to fight evil that is) and she seems to have aspirations in fashion design. She is ambitious and has an idea of what she wants in life. Sure, she has a crush and wants love but she has other wants in life and she goes for them. Christina Vee who voices her in the English dub (also known for her work as Sailor Mars in the Viz Sailor Moon dub) does an amazing job.

Another characterization that I really like is Cat Noir/Adrien. Cat Noir is funny and charming. He is a goofball that doesn't take himself too seriously. He is confident without being egotistical and he treats ladybug with respect. Sure he flirts a lot but he never disrespects her, most importantly he never disrespects her for being a female superhero. He never acts like she needs to be protected or saved which I really appreciate. He treats her as his equal. My favorite part of Cat Noir is his endless amount of puns. As someone that tells mom jokes (my specialized sense of humor, which essentially are dad jokes but I'm not a dude), I really get a kick out of his jokes. It makes me laugh every time he calls Ladybug "bug-a-boo" or makes a cat pun. It also doesn't hurt that an anime voice actor I love, Bryce Papenbrook (Kirito in Sword Art Online, Eren in Attack on Titan, Masaomi in Durarara, and Rin in Blue Exorcist) voices him.

Cat Noir I thoroughly enjoy, but Adrien I think really adds a sort of unique perspective to the show that I think is good for children. He is a model, but he isn't egotistical or stuck up. He is kind and isn't mean to anyone just because he is in magazines and is popular. I think this is an important message to children that watch the show. He also portrays the life of a neglected child/teen.

 His father, Gabriel Agreste isn't a good father. He doesn't spend time with Adrien, favoring his work as a fashion designer over his own son. The man is extremely stoic and cold not to mention controlling. Adrien can't really do much of anything without his father's approval. His father's assistant Natalie is often cares for Adrien. On Adrien's birthday he couldn't be bothered to even purchase a gift himself or spend time with his son. He was extremely against him having a party to celebrate his birthday as well. Adrien laments a lot about how he feels about his father never being there for him especially since his mother had died. Though this is a sad story to tell, I feel like it is a good thing. It will help to give children in similar situations something to relate to and maybe feel a little less alone.

Alya

Miraculous does a great job at including different races too. Just because the show is set in France, it doesn't mean that there are all Caucasian or strictly European looking characters. Marinette herself is half Chinese; her father is French while her Mother is Chinese.Next there is Alya Cesaire, Marinette's best friend. Alya has darker, brown toned skin that seems more so on the tan side. There is also Nino Lahiffe, Adrien's best friend. Neither's character has had their race or ancestry specified but it is refreshing to see some diversity.

Nino

Now onto the bad part - the things I dislike about this show and the things wrong with it.

One major complaint that I have with this show is that there is no introduction. There may be more information towards the end of the series or even some OVAs but what is troubling to me is that we get no explanation at the beginning of the series about how Ladybug and Cat Noir came to be. We are just expected to accept things as they are with no reasoning. Who is Hawk Moth and why does he want the other miraculouses and why does he want to defeat Ladybug? How did Adrien and Marinette come into their powers? One of the best parts of a magical girl anime is the heroine's discovery of her powers and this is completely missing from Miraculous. Also - the fact that there are other miraculouses hasn't been explained (or isn't until later in the season), I only know that there are more thanks to the fandom.

The next thing that I have a problem with is lack of character development. As the show goes on I am not seeing any sort of development in character. I expected to see Marinette possibly gain courage around her crush, or maybe Ladybug and Cat Noir to trust each other more - even strengthen their powers. But there is none of that, everything remains the same. Another thing that irks me is the repetativeness. It is indeed a "monster of the week: type show like how Sailor Moon became at times. It is overly repetative though down to all of the catchphrases and lines which never seem to be said differently. At least in Sailor Moon we get different tones. But lines like "Pound it" and "Bye bye little butterfly" never seem to differ to me. This show is said to have been made so that each episode stands alone but that isn't a good tactic for a show. Even shows such as Steven Universe and Adventure Time, especially Adventure Time which were meant to have random episodes eventually grow into plot. This show has so much promise, it could be exceptional if it stuck to some plot and development.

Anyway, that is all I really can think to say about the topic. If you want to see for yourself, check out Miraculous on Netflix!

Xoxo

Heather Zombie

Throwback: The Embarassing Scene Kid Phase

 This post was meant to be a commentary on my generation's journey through social media over the years...but it turned into a nostalgia bomb of discussing the scene kid era.

I often consider my generation; those currently in their 20s to be the pioneers of social media. We were on Myspace (though most of us weren't supposed to be), we made Facebook a household name and we started the popularity of Twitter. Not only that, but we weeded through many more failed attempts at popular social media sites.

Sure, the internet was around before many of us were born, but the big boom of the internet becoming more and more popular and without having to tie up the phone line to use it started when many of us were roughly middle school aged.

I didn't have internet in my house until around 2005. Before then I had to resort to using school computers or battling my cousin to use my grandma's computer. My parents like many others were paranoid of the dangers of meeting people online. I wasn't allowed to post photos of myself or use my actual name...not that that ever stopped me. Myspace was in its zenith with the birth of "scene kids" - the terrible trend of teenagers spending way too much time on their myspace pages posting selfies and blingee gifs. Even worse was the style - ratty teased hair, tight clothing colored like a rainbow threw up and adorned with brass knuckles, Hello Kitty and Gloomy Bear. Girls taking pictures with cans of hairspray and straighteners, wearing enough eyeliner to put Alice Cooper to shame and those obnoxious "coon tails" type of hair - a random striped, colored piece of hair modeled to look like a racoon. They were all obsessed with MAC cosmetics and energy drinks.

Yes...I was one of them. 

Me at 15/16. All that is missing is my signature neon rainbow eyeshadow look

 I had a myspace profile for a while (though I'm pretty sure I deleted it and all of the embarrassing evidence). It was decked out in a background with neon colors with depictions of little hand pistols, brass knuckles, diamonds, bats and Hello Kitty.

A typical scene kid collaged wallpaper

I had so many of those obnoxious graphics that flashed and glittered, with annoying sayings in a myriad of colors

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! There was so such thing as a "cool" emo kid. 

I also had the oh, so important playlist that everyone would judge your page; the introductory song HAD to be perfect. I admittedly had "Fer Sure" by The Medic Droid being my featured song. I am linking it below because it is too horrible not to, and I need someone to laugh at it with.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDCAy2CUCJs

 Speaking of the music! It was a huge (and terrible) pillar of the whole movement. Yes, not all of it was bad; I still listen to All Time Low. But MAN was a lot of it shitty. Most of the music consisted of pop-punk (more so on the pop side) and electronica. Many of the artists had terrible singing voices or really just "talk sang" but they were popular because of their look. Because let's face it, looks were everything in the scene community. Blood on the Dance Floor is one terrible band that comes to mind. I used to love them embarrassingly enough. I thought they were "edgy" because most of their lyrics were about sex and they had lyrics like "I'll cut, cut, cut you up. I'm a monster, ha ha ha" ...yes those are actual lyrics from one of their songs. I'm cringing just from the fact that I STILL remember some of their lyrics.

Jeffree Star, now known for his makeup and feud with Kat Von D was a huge face of the community and came out with his own music. I do still dig some of his songs, as terrible as they are. Metro Station - a band featuring Miley Cyrus' brother, Trace Cyrus and Mitchell Musso's brother Mason Musso were one of the king bands in the scene. You may know their song "Shake It" from the only album they ever debuted. And of course everyone had "Here In Your Arms" by Hellogoodbye on their profiles.

Some other bands from the era to note are Hey Monday, Cute Is What We Aim For, 3OH!3, Paramore, Boys Like Girls,  Hollywood Undead, Forever The Sickest Kids and We The Kings. Though I don't really listen to Hollywood Undead anymore, I still listen to the rest of the bands in this list. Hey Monday was a great and fun pop-punk band featuring a female lead singer - Cassadee Pope. Many of you may know her now from The Voice and her subsequent country music career. Cute Is What We Aim For only really had one big hit "The Curse of Curves", but oh was it great. 3OH!3 was very popular and mainstream; they even did songs with the likes of Kesha (back when she had the $ sign in her name) and Katy Perry. Now, I hate a lot of their lyrics - they are very disrespectful towards women ie "Shush girl, shut your lips. Do the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips.". But the songs are damn catchy and the line "Tell your boyfriend, if he says he's got beef that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him." still to this day makes me laugh.

Boys Like Girls had a few really good songs - The Great Escape and Thunder. They even did a song titled "Two Is Better Than One" with Taylor Swift before she climbed to superstar status. We The Kings is still a good band, though you don't hear much about them anymore. They were the artists behind "Check Yes Juliet." and Forever The Sickest Kids had one hit song, "Whoah". The only band aside from All Time Low to really make it huge from the scene was Paramore. Back in the day everyone wanted to be Hayley Williams with the emergence of "Misery Business". So many girls were dying their hair and cutting it to match her signature style. Yes...I'm guilty of the haircut.

And the all time staple of the scene kid - the scene name. Yes, I had one of those too. Also called the Myspace name, it was a name one formed for themselves to appear "unique" on the website. They often had a misspelling of a name with various non-letter characters mixed in such as R3b3cca. Or they just had a misspelling of another word used as a last name, with the same first letter of the first name in attempt to appear edgy for example Kara Krayola or Beth Bloodshed. I went by Heather Homocyde.

Yes....spelled exactly like that. *Face palm* -_______-

At the time I thought the whole scene kid thing and community was fun. I enjoyed wearing bright colors and dressing like a fucking weirdo with my dead glow stick bracelets and my necklace fashioned from the tabs of those god-awful Monster energy drinks on a chain. My best friend at the time began to look more and more like the stereotypical scene kid and she made it look so awesome that I wanted to get in on it.She was always much "cooler" than I was and people were always drawn to her; I often found myself wanting to be more like her and wishing I had that sort of charisma. I was always the nerdy weird kid that never truly fit in anywhere growing up.

The thing is...the scene community was terrible. It was SO fake! Like really, really fake. A lot of the scene kids were such catty, snotty, judgemental little assholes that whined about not being accepted and not being like everyone else. If you didn't have a certain look, and if you weren't rail thin they mostly wouldn't want to deal with you. Everything was about appearances.

After a while, the entire look and community grew tiresome. Yes, I liked it but after a while I had realized I was trying too hard to fit in with this style and in the end was being something I wasn't. And that is never cool. Sure, all teenagers do that at some time or another; but I was so disappointed in myself because I had always vowed never to do such a thing.

Even though my scene phase and that entire era is an embarrassing mark upon my teenage years, they did really shape me as a person and showed me what was actually important - being yourself.

I leave you with this question: were you also a scene kid? Share your experiences below!

Xoxo

Heather Zombie <3

Anyone Else Miss the Old FUSE Channel?

I often reminisce about running off of the school bus then getting home as fast as possible every day so that I could watch Sailor Moon on Toonami at 4 O'clock as a child. But I rarely discuss the other programming block that made a huge impact on me growing up - and that was FUSE. Okay, so it isn't a programming block per se, but this channel as a whole made a huge impact upon me  back in the day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIyS-PhIueU

I discovered it roughly around 2004 - 2005. It was when I started to get into real music aside from mindless pop. I fondly remember the 2005-2007 era when I was in middle school/just starting high school. Not as much about school itself - because that wasn't a great period of time for me, save for 7th grade; but for my memories of FUSE and the music I listened to. At that time, Alternative Rock or "Emo" music was hugely popular. So much so that MTV was playing the music videos of My Chemical Romance, Fallout Boy and Panic! At The Disco.

 

Yes, shocking; MTV playing music!!!!

Before its gradual decline in the late 2000s, it was such a fresh and unique take on music television. They didn't have a myriad of half- baked "reality" shows or movies running just to fill empty air time, but they had music videos and music related programming airing nearly 24/7. This wasn't an easy feat in that era, with the birth of Youtube and any music video you want to watch being a click away; but they pulled it off. Although most of the music on the channel was alternative and rock, they played some pop, hip hop and rap as well. Sadly, when they began to cater more to the mainstream, the channel lost all of its magic and freshness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9q_6w1cF8GI&t=26s

The bulk of FUSE's programming revolved around music videos, but in a way to hold the audience's attention. One of these such shows was Pants Off Dance Off - a sort of game show where contestants would strip tease dance to music videos; it featured the music video playing in the background a la green screen while the contestant danced.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZ23k1nTcTM

Then there was Video on Trial where a panel of various people critiquing music videos. I also vaguely remember a show titled Fastest Fingers where people would text messages to air beside their favorite music videos. There were countdowns, fan voter competitions and so many more shows.

Possibly the most well known from FUSE was Steven's Untitled Rock Show. This show was one of my favorites and made a huge impact on me. It was always on when I came home from school so I would watch as I did my homework.

 It featured Steven Smith, the most popular and well known host on FUSE. On his show he interviewed bands and played music videos. For me, the most remembered interview was one with My Chemical Romance where Steven toured their tour bus and Gerard Way taught him how to do his signature stage makeup look.

Here are a series of clips from SURS featuring the band Aiden: 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=951Ld-ln5mA 

 

 

Steven was cool, witty and funny - that's what made the show so good! He actually knew what he was doing and knew the scene, being a fan of it himself. He wasn't just a pretty face hired to grab for ratings.

He went on tour with bands to interview them. When Fuse had their "Warped Wednesdays" on Wednesdays during the summer, Steven would attend Vans Warped Tour; he would talk to bands and with fans. I always set my alarm in the mornings to watch it and stuck with it all day. It was fun! We got to see different sides of our favorite bands in between videos from the musicians on the tour in that year. Warped Tour was a big deal on FUSE, it basically was the forefather of the alternative and punk scene as we know it today.

Another popular show, Loaded I loved as equally. I believe Loaded is still around today but it isn't the same as it was. Loaded is a show spanning a half hour that plays music videos dedicated to a singe artist. It was always fun when your favorite band was featured on an episode. Though I don't remember the title of the show, they also aired behind the scenes episodes depicting how your favorite music videos were made.

I forever wish that these programs would be resurrected, but that is highly unlikely. At least this moment in time was captured and some kind souls uploaded it to the internet for all of us to revel in the nostalgia. FUSE these days is sad - more so featured on hip hop and 90% of the programming consists of random movies and 90s sitcoms. If you watched FUSE back in the day, feel free to comment with your memories!

Xoxo

Heather Zombie

2016 - My Year In Review

This is super belated, but we have made it through another year!! Syanara, 2016! It's been real horrible.  For the sake of finally getting this post up and being lazy I will be going sans photo for this post. If you would like to see my year in photos just check out my Instagram!

As always, I like to look back at the year and its ups and downs to see how it went for myself and how it grew. 2016 was a major year of growth for me! A lot of things of note happened and I am really proud of myself for how far I have come in the last year alone. So what was this year like for me?

More confident 

Well I'm not so sure if it's confidence or just the fact that I don't care anymore. But I found this year that I grew less self conscious. I felt confident enough to go makeup-less in public (really I just don't give a shit anymore) and I even began posting pictures online of me bare faced. That is a HUGE step for me, it used to be that I wouldn't even go to a gas station without eyeliner, or I would have to have a full face of makeup on in order to feel secure enough to post selfies. These days, I just put makeup on because I feel like it. 

I also haven't felt the need to do an entire face of makeup when I'm going out. Just a little foundation, concealer and mascara have been good enough for me some days. 

I am slowly learning to become more comfortable in my own skin and to embrace my flaws. There was a time where I desperately struggled to cover up the scar on my right cheek; now I sort of embrace it.

Found and Lost Love

At the beginning of this year I took a chance and went on a date which turned into a nearly six month relationship. As much as I had wanted it, I never thought that I would be able to fall for someone since it hadn't happened before; I was pleasantly surprised when I truly fell for him. However, I was naive and didn't realize that my once wonderful romance had turned toxic and sour. 

Sure, I was exceptionally happy and blissful in the beginning. That's because he was very good at charming people and I was blinded by my heart to truly see past all of the illusions. Slowly the veil was lifted and I was able to see through all of his lies and deceptions. I'm proud of myself for having the guts to leave when I was unhappy and for not crawling back when he begged for me back. Even with all of the rotten details coming to light post breakup, I feel that I handled it a lot more maturely than I could have. And as painful as it was, I learned a lot from the experience.

[Note: No visual proof because I deleted every photo with him in it; I hate seeing his smug face] 

My First Convention

In July I attended my very first convention; Connecticon 2016! 

Even though my ex ruined a lot of the experience for me, I still had a blast. I stayed in a hotel in Hartford for a few days - arriving on thursday to register and get settled and leaving on Sunday.

I cosplayed on Friday and Saturday; being Marceline from Adventure Time on the former, Usagi in her season 3 school uniform from Sailor Moon on the latter. The last day I just dressed really cutely in my favorite dress and some converse. 

The con was a paradise filled with so many people like me! I attended many events and a few panels. I saw some anime voice actors I am a fan of - Erica Mendez, Johnny Yong Bosch, Lauren Landa, and Keith Silverstein. 

I had attended with one of my best friends, Becky and my ex; through all of the bullshit with my ex and living with each other in a hotel for a few days I feel like my bond with Becky grew <3 .

My First Hotel Stay 

With Connecticon and living an hour away from the state's capital it was a given that we would need to stay in a hotel near the convention center. This was my very first time staying in a hotel! The first night there I flooded the bathroom when taking a bath, we went swimming in the large and lovely pool every day, and the room service was great.

Saying "Yes" To More Things

One of my secret resolutions to myself for 2016 was to say yes to more things. My anxiety and OCD kept me from enjoying a lot of things over the years and memories with friends. So I said yes to more things, even if they scared me or if they were last minute. Even through all of the difficult times this year, I have a lot of great memories simply from saying "yes"!

Went Out of My Comfort Zone 

This year was the big start of me venturing from my comfort zone. I grew tired of anxiety completely ruling my life. So what did I do? I went for new experiences. I went hiking, I went to my first convention, I went to business meetings, I went out of my way to talk with people and grow my business. I even went for more daring makeup choices!

Went For My Dreams 

This year I focused hardcore on my business. My little baby grew so much! Building a business let alone a clientele can take many, many years. I discovered how ignorant I was with running a business so I put my all to raise it from the ground. My sales and appointments didn't come in the abundance that I had expected and planned for. But I did gain new clients and I did more photoshoots!  

Celebrated The Sabbats 

This year I celebrated most of the Sabbats (Wiccan holidays) with my coven. We made a point to free up those days and do various activities and rituals to celebrate. It felt so wonderful and right!

Took and Gradated From a Business Class 

While becoming more serious with my business I realized that I could use some more information and structure. After some research I decided to enroll in an online course on business through Santa Clara University. It felt great to not only be learning and serious about my future but also to shut up my family hounding me about college. I worked hard, spending hours and hours taking meticulous notes. Finally the day of my final arrived and I graduated with a total grade of 92!

Was More Myself

This year I acted more myself with my family. For many years I had been forced to put on a sort of facade around much of my family. I had to keep parts of who I am and my personality hidden because for lack of a better term they were too stuck up. I was ridiculed for small things like my hair color so I did not feel comfortable being myself. Luckily I don't have contact with many of those family members anymore. I still felt repressed and like I had to act and be a certain way around other members of my family. Slowly it began with Facebook, I decided to allow myself to speak like I do - swears, opinions and all. After a rather immature fight started by a cousin I decided to stop giving a damn and playing the "nice" one or the peacemaker. If my family didn't like who I really was, then fuck them.

Although I embraced myself more, I did become more repressed when certain family members chastised me for having the courage to speak up about my rape on social media.

Discovered My Ancestry  

Samhain - the biggest Wiccan holiday of the year, also known as Halloween is deeply rooted in celebrating your ancestors and departed loved ones. One popular activity to celebrate the Sabbat is to research or share the story of your ancestry. I dedicated myself to discovering more about my ancestry and my family lineage where I discovered some surprising and pretty cool things. I traced my dad's family all the way back to Germany. I knew that I was German before, but I did not know how super German I was. I have so many ancestors that descended from Germany and not very far off generations too. I was able to actually see the handwritten marriage records of my great (not sure how many) great grandparents. Much of my family hails from Bavaria, Germany. Of course the weeb in me found it cool that one of the inspirational cities for Attack on Titan resides within the state of Bavaria. I also discovered my ancestors from Ireland and surprisingly England and Austria. To say the least, I'm very European in ancestry.

Started Feeling Like an Adult

Even at 21 and 22 I never really felt like much of an adult. But at 23, I felt adulthood rear its head more. I'm not sure if it was due to dating, to sexual discussions becoming more of a popular topic with those in my life or from paying bills. I just know that adulting sucks! It is also a fearful experience. At 23 (24 in a matter of months) I almost feel like time is running out to get my life together. It is so stupid and stressful how society places so much pressure on women to find a man and get married in their early/mid twenties. So many girls I graduated high school with, friends that I've had since I was little are now married or have children. It is so bizarre and frightening. Even though dating is not a priority, I don't want to be 25 and single. Turning 25 scares the hell out of me as well, since 30 will be 5 years away.

Spent More Time In Nature 

In 2016 I spent a lot of time with nature, it was so freeing. I cannot wait for this cold, New England winter to end so that I can go hiking and swimming once more. My town contains several nature reserves/parks that are open to the public to explore and enjoy. Vicky and I went to all of these over the summer/early fall and spent time enjoying nature. I went to Kent Falls for the first time in Kent, Connecticut which is a beautiful camping ground and nature park. The second time I went was a tad hellish even though I loved the nature. For Vicky's birthday she had the idea for our large party group to hike up the mountain/hill to get to a swimming hole....the swimming hole didn't exist. Then I whined enough that we went to Mount Tom in Litchfield, Connecticut. I hadn't been there for years, so I was extremely excited. Mount Tom is a beautiful and clean beach/lake. Motor boats are not allowed to run in it so the water is not polluted like that of the Candlewood Lake. I had so much fun swimming in the water and felt so at peace. I love being in the water!

Meditation

I started meditating more and discovered the correct way to meditate - I love it! Meditation is very peaceful and freeing. It helps you to discover things about yourself as well as de-stress and get rid of anxiety.


2016 was a year of many ups and downs as well as self discovery. I'm hoping that 2017 holds much better things and less downs.

Xoxo

Heather Zombie

Wicca and Real Witches

As many of you know, I am a Wiccan and I identify as a witch; but most people have no idea what this means. There are so many stereotypes, false information and fears associated with witchcraft and Wicca that I constantly feel the need to clear it up. It has grown even worse with the so called "fluffy bunny" witches who are into it just because it seems cool to. Those types of "witches" can be easily weeded out.

So what is a witch? A person that practices witchcraft. Yes, witchcraft is real, but not in the way one would assume. What is a Wiccan? A practitioner of the religion of Wicca. Wicca is a Pagan religion; Paganism is a sort of umbrella term for polytheist (the worship of many gods) religions that worship nature. All Wiccans are Pagans, but not all Pagans are Wiccan. Paganism is "the old religion" , it is possibly the oldest existing religion dating back to the ancient druids, even further.

Not all Witches are Pagan and some Wiccans I am sure do not practice witchcraft. But the majority of us do, it is a huge part of our religion and our lives.

One major misunderstanding is that Wiccans worship Satan. We do not! In fact, Wiccans are the most peaceful group of people. We hang out it in forests and nature (and yes, some of us choose to go skyclad or nude). We live by a code or a guideline called the Wiccan Rede, which states "If it harm ye none, do as ye will."; it means we can do or believe whatever we want as long as it harms no one. We believe in the laws of karma, that anything negative we do will return to us threefold or three times as worse. We do not sacrifice chickens or harm animals, life is sacred to us. I have been known to silently pray for roadkill I come across; if I find a dead mouse outside or within my home, I will bury it with care and say a blessing for it.

Much like the Christian cross,the pentacle is our religious symbol. There are so many misconceptions about pentacles and pentagrams. This symbol is not evil! The Satanic symbol people mistake the pentagram for is called the Baphomet. There is nothing negative about the pentagram. 

A pentagram is the star without a surrounding circle, a pentacle has the circle around it. The Pentacle/Pentagram is a representation of the five elements - Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Spirit. These elements are the basis of the earth and really life itself. 

Wicca as we know it today was founded by a man named Gerald Gardner. There is much debate among our community on this man and his methods. Personally I believe he was exploiting the religion to have sex with lots of women; but that is neither here nor there. What is beautiful about Wicca is there are no set rules as to what you have to believe in. You are free to believe in and worship as you wish! You can actually choose which group of gods you wish to worship - this even includes Norse, Celtic, Egyption and Greek gods. Typically most Wiccans worship two gods, known as the lord (or father god) and the lady (or mother goddess). 

Personally, I am an Atheist Wiccan. I do not believe in any form of god. Now, you may ask me how am I a Wiccan if I do not believe in a god? It's simple; I worship nature and spirits. Though I do not believe in any sort of deity, I believe in spirits. I worship nature and the spirit of mother nature that runs through everything. Which is why I spend so much time in nature, it brings me peace and if you're aware enough you will witness some amazing things. 

We celebrate the Earth and the circle of life - The Wiccan calander containing all of our holidays is called The Wheel of the Year. Each season and holiday (called a Sabbat) represents a certain phase in the circle of life; many choose to use the god and goddess as representations of this. This is where the goddess or trifecta symbol comes in. 

This symbol not only represents the moon cycle of the waxing, full and waning moon which is oh, so important to us but it is a representation of mother nature's forms in life - the maiden, the mother and the crone. These forms are a representation of the circle of life - birth, life and death. The maiden is young and beautiful though can be naive, the mother is nurturing and the crone is wise. 

Now where does witchcraft fit into this all? It is our way of worship, through ritual. Again, there is no animal sacrifice or flashes of light shooting from our wands. Real magic is quite different. It is energy and intent; you must project the intent and energy into the universe. There are many factors that contribute to a spell's success such as the tools used, the day of the week, even the moon phase. We set altars,  light candles, we chant, we scatter herbs, we light incense. However, you must believe without an ounce of doubt that it will work, or it will not. 

One of my Spell Altars

We trust our intuition and are more in tune to the universe and things that most cannot explain. I completely believe in magic. I have witnessed too many strange happenings in my life to not. 

As there are many different types of witches and paths, there are different ways to worship - as a solitary or with a coven. A solitary is a lone witch who practices on their own; a coven is a group of witches with the same beliefs that worships together. If you are in the right coven, your coven is like your family. I am a leader (with the title of High Priestess) of my coven. Though I did not become serious about the craft until a year ago, I have been a Wiccan for 10 years now. 

With practice of the craft comes different interests or hobbies that can assist with our rituals. Divination is a huge one as well as honing psychic abilities. I am personally a skilled tarot reader, I am knowledgeable of essential oils, and I am very knowledgeable on spirits. Currently I have been studying up to be an herbalist, as well as practicing my scrying skills. Very recently astrology has tugged my interest as well.  Then there is my coven co-leader who is skilled with crystals, knowledgeable on chakra and healing as well as skillful in tarot. One of the best things about a coven is the amount of knowledge you can pass between each other. In my coven, I feel at home. I am among people that understand what I deal with from skeptics and people that fear Pagans. There is also no judgement or negativity. We support each other and we help each other learn.

If you know someone that is a Wiccan or even just Pagan, I urge you to get a (knowledgeable and correct) understanding of their beliefs and support them. It can mean a lot. Even in this day and age I get harassed and judged for my beliefs. I have gotten strange looks for wearing my pentacle in public. Most of my family knows that I'm strange and I do post witch things on my Facebook page, but most do not truly know how into the craft or my faith I am. When I bring up the fact that churches make me uncomfortable it opens up a shitstorm of debate - never mind the fact that I do not believe in a god. My mother has a basic understanding of my beliefs and what I do - she tends to just roll her eyes and ignore what I do. She tends to not care, but I still get the ignorant comments from her asking "What are you doing? Sacrificing a chicken?" every single time she catches me before or after doing a spell. My co-leader of my coven was interrogated by her mother when she "came out of the broom closet" and was asked if she believed in Satan and if she believed in Jesus Christ.

What was my religion before becoming a Wiccan and how did it influence my converting? 

My parents were agnostic - believing in a god but not too religious. As a child, my grandmother's sister's husband (my great uncle) was a pastor at a local church. I went to church with my grandma and to sunday school when I was little. I was in a lot of church plays (there is a picture of me somewhere in a mouse costume singing in one of the plays when I had to have been no older than 7.) and I was put into "Vacation Bible Camp", a church day camp for a few weeks in the summer for a few years. I often would help my great aunt and great uncle out in the food bank, mostly doing organizational work of the pantry. After a while the church had lost its appeal. My grandma would ask me to go to church with her but I found it terribly boring and didn't have much of a want to be involved anymore. 

I was fairly close to my second cousin (mother's cousin's daughter) when I was a child, we are close in age so we played together a lot. At one period of time, we were almost inseparable. Her mother was a very religious Christian, with her beliefs rubbing off on her daughter. So I heard a lot of religious talking. Wanting to spend more time with them, I started going with them to their church. At some point further on, I went to a different Christian day camp with my cousin. This place was the equivalent to what I now would consider hell. It was SUPER Jesus-fied! I wasn't too enthusiastic about going but my parents needed someone to watch me while they worked, so I was enrolled with my cousin. Literally every single thing was religion based from crafts to anything else we did. 

Around that time I began to question my beliefs. What probably really helped me was the falling out I had with my cousin and her mother -when I had a terrifying accident that though I wasn't severely injured left me mentally screwed up for a while. When I stopped spending time with them, so did my exposure to the amount of religious things.

I began to slowly question my beliefs and I stopped believing, becoming an atheist when I hit middle school.

What lead me to the craft and becoming a Wiccan?

It started when I was 13. My memories are a little hazy as to the exact moment I discovered wicca or real witchcraft but somehow I did. I think I learned it from a friend or the internet - again hazy memory. It seemed so alluring and wonderful. Fast forward to the summer of that year. A library in my state not too far from my home town has a book sale every weekend during the summer. I LOVE book sales - I dream of someday having an entire room in a house filled with all sorts of books. My dad and I frequently visited to get some new books and to support the library. I was browsing and I came across a used, slightly worn copy of Scott Cunningham's book Wicca for the Solitary Practitioner. My dad did not approve of the book or really anything relating to witchcraft, but he begrudgingly bought me the book knowing it would make me happy. And it was cheap! Hahaha. 

I flipped through the book and suddenly I knew I wanted to be a part of this awesome religion. Now admittedly I did not so much get into the learning part of it. I did some spells, held steadfast to my beliefs for a while and wore a pentacle but I did not properly study. Once I hit high school I sort of forgot about learning to be a proper witch for a while - but I did still wear my pentacles. I owned three - all three my dad ironically bought for me even though he hated the symbol. One was a little sphere sort of locket type that could hold a crystal or a pompom for essential oils. I kept a green pebble in it. The next being a small silver colored one on a black rope string and the third being a much larger metal, silver colored one from Spencer's. This was all before pentacles were readily available at Hottopic and you had to hunt for one at the local Spencer's or Indie shop. I also wore a Celtic knot a lot, of which my aunt bought for me at a renaissance fair. 

Even if I wasn't a practicing witch any longer, the symbol always gave me peace. When I was having a particularly rough time, I kept it close. I would draw the knot for protection on notebooks, pieces of paper and even my wall for protection. I wore my pentacle on the black rope every single day under my clothing while my dad was dying of cancer. 

Now I always was very interested in the occult and supernatural. I had always wanted a ouija board (oh, silly child) and a tarot deck but (despite his insistence that he was a skeptic) my dad refused to allow such items into his house. I'm not sure when it exactly clicked, but as most of you know I went through a very rough time in 2015. At the beginning of the year I became very, very sick which lead to me having permanent tinnitus. I became wracked with anxiety to the point where I couldn't function. I would barely eat. I could not leave the house, in fear of a panic attack starting and becoming dizzy or passing out from it. I barely slept - at the height of it I went a week sleeping maybe two or three hours a day. I would be up all night with panic attacks, unable to calm them and would slip into my mom's bedroom once she left for work to try to get a little sleep. 

Aside from medication, rediscovering Wicca saved my life. One day I just had the random urge to get back to it. So I began to read up on it more and devouring every single topic that I could. It gave me something to hold onto and give me some sort of hope while I was struggling and losing my mind. I studied intensely for months. I bought a large hardcover journal to use to record my Book of Shadows (a witch's spellbook. The name derived from the fact that witches were forced to hide and practice in the shadows for so long in history. Also referred to as a grimoire. ) and I recorded all sorts of spells and information in it for 8+ hours a day for a month, all handwritten. 

Before I knew it, I had gotten through my anxiety or I was doing better and I had become immersed in the craft. It all felt so good! I found that I was rediscovering myself after all of my breakdowns and panic and Wicca helped me to return to the root of who I am. It allowed me to become more at peace and more myself. It is just one of those feelings where you know what you're doing is so, so right. 

There is so much information, but  I did my best to provide basic knowledge. If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask! 

Xoxo

Heather Zombie

Christmas Ramblings + More Updates?

Hellooooo!!! I just wanted to take the time to wish everyone a very happy holiday season. If you celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas. If you celebrate Hanukkah, happy Hanukkah! If it's Kwanzaa you celebrate, happy Kwanzaa. For my fellow Pagans: I hope your Yule was very merry.

I hope that everyone has had a lovely holiday, whatever it is that you may celebrate. I am as always so very thankful for all of the wonderful friends in my life, whom without I would not even be here. Special mentions go out to Vicky (as always, my dear <3), Natasha, Becky, Jeff, Mike, Charlie, Amanda and Cara for being such wonderful friends and always being there to deal with my ups and downs and my strange quirks. You are all very dear to me <3.

My holiday has been pleasant, nothing full of fanfare and spectacularities (is that even a word?), but drama free and calm :). Last night for Christmas eve I got all dolled up to go to my aunt's house in New York (the state, not the city). Every year she has a Christmas party with her family and my uncle's family. Though not exciting (honestly boring, I'm not one to just sit around with nothing to do but socialize) it was nice. The group I traveled with (my mother and grandmother) had to leave much earlier than anticipated though, due to slippery roads tormented by black ice. It was a nerve wracking drive home, but we made it safely! I was a little sad to not spend more time with my cousins who I hardly see, but I wasn't too disappointed to get home. For one; I got to throw off my bra, watch Bob's Burgers and color. But I also didn't have to deal with the depressing part of the evening for me.

The Christmas season typically is really depressing for me and is a very difficult time. Christmas was my dad's favorite holiday and without him it has been really hard. Not just that, but when he was sick with cancer he was sick all during the holidays; being his worse the last two weeks of December and passing away the first week of January. It's like a triple whammy for me - Christmas and New Years without him and his death anniversary on the 4th. It is always difficult for me to see everyone so happy around the holidays and especially happy with their families - because I don't have that anymore. At my aunt's house when everyone gathers around the tree and opens gifts it reminds me of what I lost. Not of the gifts - those I don't care so much about; but the pure bliss of spending Christmas with both of your parents without a care in the world.

This year I was fortunate enough to not fall into my deep black hole of despair that typically consumes me in December. I had fully expected it to, especially with the 5 year anniversary drawing near of losing my dad and of it being five years since he was so sick. I was in a decent head state this year - I think mostly to throwing myself into my work and working on giving generously to my loved ones. I was even listening to Christmas music!

I do tend to get a little despaired towards the end of the holiday, when my mom decides that she has had enough family time and goes into her room to watch tv , leaving myself alone for the evening. Despite that slight lament there, I'm okay. I spent the day with my mom and the cats. We opened gifts when I woke up and we watched movies while we tinkered with our gifts. We also spent time playing with the cats with their new toys. My big chunky kitty, Nina looked like a grizzly bear standing on her hind legs trying to get the mouse on a string toy I was hovering over her. The one part I do really like about our Christmases now is that we just stay in our PJs all day! Hahaha.

As for more updates - hopefully my pretties! I make no promises, BUT I received a new laptop for Christmas. I am hoping that with it I will update more frequently. One of the reasons I scarcely update is difficulty posting from my  tablet and my desktop computer. My old computer is at least 10 years old and constantly freezes, so I was looonggg overdue! I am very happy, now I can work efficiently and work more on my writing!

Anyway, hope you all had a lovely day and a lovely evening. I would ramble some more, but my wine is making me sleepy. Zzzzz

Xoxo

Heather Zombie