2016 - My Year In Review

This is super belated, but we have made it through another year!! Syanara, 2016! It's been real horrible.  For the sake of finally getting this post up and being lazy I will be going sans photo for this post. If you would like to see my year in photos just check out my Instagram!

As always, I like to look back at the year and its ups and downs to see how it went for myself and how it grew. 2016 was a major year of growth for me! A lot of things of note happened and I am really proud of myself for how far I have come in the last year alone. So what was this year like for me?

More confident 

Well I'm not so sure if it's confidence or just the fact that I don't care anymore. But I found this year that I grew less self conscious. I felt confident enough to go makeup-less in public (really I just don't give a shit anymore) and I even began posting pictures online of me bare faced. That is a HUGE step for me, it used to be that I wouldn't even go to a gas station without eyeliner, or I would have to have a full face of makeup on in order to feel secure enough to post selfies. These days, I just put makeup on because I feel like it. 

I also haven't felt the need to do an entire face of makeup when I'm going out. Just a little foundation, concealer and mascara have been good enough for me some days. 

I am slowly learning to become more comfortable in my own skin and to embrace my flaws. There was a time where I desperately struggled to cover up the scar on my right cheek; now I sort of embrace it.

Found and Lost Love

At the beginning of this year I took a chance and went on a date which turned into a nearly six month relationship. As much as I had wanted it, I never thought that I would be able to fall for someone since it hadn't happened before; I was pleasantly surprised when I truly fell for him. However, I was naive and didn't realize that my once wonderful romance had turned toxic and sour. 

Sure, I was exceptionally happy and blissful in the beginning. That's because he was very good at charming people and I was blinded by my heart to truly see past all of the illusions. Slowly the veil was lifted and I was able to see through all of his lies and deceptions. I'm proud of myself for having the guts to leave when I was unhappy and for not crawling back when he begged for me back. Even with all of the rotten details coming to light post breakup, I feel that I handled it a lot more maturely than I could have. And as painful as it was, I learned a lot from the experience.

[Note: No visual proof because I deleted every photo with him in it; I hate seeing his smug face] 

My First Convention

In July I attended my very first convention; Connecticon 2016! 

Even though my ex ruined a lot of the experience for me, I still had a blast. I stayed in a hotel in Hartford for a few days - arriving on thursday to register and get settled and leaving on Sunday.

I cosplayed on Friday and Saturday; being Marceline from Adventure Time on the former, Usagi in her season 3 school uniform from Sailor Moon on the latter. The last day I just dressed really cutely in my favorite dress and some converse. 

The con was a paradise filled with so many people like me! I attended many events and a few panels. I saw some anime voice actors I am a fan of - Erica Mendez, Johnny Yong Bosch, Lauren Landa, and Keith Silverstein. 

I had attended with one of my best friends, Becky and my ex; through all of the bullshit with my ex and living with each other in a hotel for a few days I feel like my bond with Becky grew <3 .

My First Hotel Stay 

With Connecticon and living an hour away from the state's capital it was a given that we would need to stay in a hotel near the convention center. This was my very first time staying in a hotel! The first night there I flooded the bathroom when taking a bath, we went swimming in the large and lovely pool every day, and the room service was great.

Saying "Yes" To More Things

One of my secret resolutions to myself for 2016 was to say yes to more things. My anxiety and OCD kept me from enjoying a lot of things over the years and memories with friends. So I said yes to more things, even if they scared me or if they were last minute. Even through all of the difficult times this year, I have a lot of great memories simply from saying "yes"!

Went Out of My Comfort Zone 

This year was the big start of me venturing from my comfort zone. I grew tired of anxiety completely ruling my life. So what did I do? I went for new experiences. I went hiking, I went to my first convention, I went to business meetings, I went out of my way to talk with people and grow my business. I even went for more daring makeup choices!

Went For My Dreams 

This year I focused hardcore on my business. My little baby grew so much! Building a business let alone a clientele can take many, many years. I discovered how ignorant I was with running a business so I put my all to raise it from the ground. My sales and appointments didn't come in the abundance that I had expected and planned for. But I did gain new clients and I did more photoshoots!  

Celebrated The Sabbats 

This year I celebrated most of the Sabbats (Wiccan holidays) with my coven. We made a point to free up those days and do various activities and rituals to celebrate. It felt so wonderful and right!

Took and Gradated From a Business Class 

While becoming more serious with my business I realized that I could use some more information and structure. After some research I decided to enroll in an online course on business through Santa Clara University. It felt great to not only be learning and serious about my future but also to shut up my family hounding me about college. I worked hard, spending hours and hours taking meticulous notes. Finally the day of my final arrived and I graduated with a total grade of 92!

Was More Myself

This year I acted more myself with my family. For many years I had been forced to put on a sort of facade around much of my family. I had to keep parts of who I am and my personality hidden because for lack of a better term they were too stuck up. I was ridiculed for small things like my hair color so I did not feel comfortable being myself. Luckily I don't have contact with many of those family members anymore. I still felt repressed and like I had to act and be a certain way around other members of my family. Slowly it began with Facebook, I decided to allow myself to speak like I do - swears, opinions and all. After a rather immature fight started by a cousin I decided to stop giving a damn and playing the "nice" one or the peacemaker. If my family didn't like who I really was, then fuck them.

Although I embraced myself more, I did become more repressed when certain family members chastised me for having the courage to speak up about my rape on social media.

Discovered My Ancestry  

Samhain - the biggest Wiccan holiday of the year, also known as Halloween is deeply rooted in celebrating your ancestors and departed loved ones. One popular activity to celebrate the Sabbat is to research or share the story of your ancestry. I dedicated myself to discovering more about my ancestry and my family lineage where I discovered some surprising and pretty cool things. I traced my dad's family all the way back to Germany. I knew that I was German before, but I did not know how super German I was. I have so many ancestors that descended from Germany and not very far off generations too. I was able to actually see the handwritten marriage records of my great (not sure how many) great grandparents. Much of my family hails from Bavaria, Germany. Of course the weeb in me found it cool that one of the inspirational cities for Attack on Titan resides within the state of Bavaria. I also discovered my ancestors from Ireland and surprisingly England and Austria. To say the least, I'm very European in ancestry.

Started Feeling Like an Adult

Even at 21 and 22 I never really felt like much of an adult. But at 23, I felt adulthood rear its head more. I'm not sure if it was due to dating, to sexual discussions becoming more of a popular topic with those in my life or from paying bills. I just know that adulting sucks! It is also a fearful experience. At 23 (24 in a matter of months) I almost feel like time is running out to get my life together. It is so stupid and stressful how society places so much pressure on women to find a man and get married in their early/mid twenties. So many girls I graduated high school with, friends that I've had since I was little are now married or have children. It is so bizarre and frightening. Even though dating is not a priority, I don't want to be 25 and single. Turning 25 scares the hell out of me as well, since 30 will be 5 years away.

Spent More Time In Nature 

In 2016 I spent a lot of time with nature, it was so freeing. I cannot wait for this cold, New England winter to end so that I can go hiking and swimming once more. My town contains several nature reserves/parks that are open to the public to explore and enjoy. Vicky and I went to all of these over the summer/early fall and spent time enjoying nature. I went to Kent Falls for the first time in Kent, Connecticut which is a beautiful camping ground and nature park. The second time I went was a tad hellish even though I loved the nature. For Vicky's birthday she had the idea for our large party group to hike up the mountain/hill to get to a swimming hole....the swimming hole didn't exist. Then I whined enough that we went to Mount Tom in Litchfield, Connecticut. I hadn't been there for years, so I was extremely excited. Mount Tom is a beautiful and clean beach/lake. Motor boats are not allowed to run in it so the water is not polluted like that of the Candlewood Lake. I had so much fun swimming in the water and felt so at peace. I love being in the water!

Meditation

I started meditating more and discovered the correct way to meditate - I love it! Meditation is very peaceful and freeing. It helps you to discover things about yourself as well as de-stress and get rid of anxiety.


2016 was a year of many ups and downs as well as self discovery. I'm hoping that 2017 holds much better things and less downs.

Xoxo

Heather Zombie

Wicca and Real Witches

As many of you know, I am a Wiccan and I identify as a witch; but most people have no idea what this means. There are so many stereotypes, false information and fears associated with witchcraft and Wicca that I constantly feel the need to clear it up. It has grown even worse with the so called "fluffy bunny" witches who are into it just because it seems cool to. Those types of "witches" can be easily weeded out.

So what is a witch? A person that practices witchcraft. Yes, witchcraft is real, but not in the way one would assume. What is a Wiccan? A practitioner of the religion of Wicca. Wicca is a Pagan religion; Paganism is a sort of umbrella term for polytheist (the worship of many gods) religions that worship nature. All Wiccans are Pagans, but not all Pagans are Wiccan. Paganism is "the old religion" , it is possibly the oldest existing religion dating back to the ancient druids, even further.

Not all Witches are Pagan and some Wiccans I am sure do not practice witchcraft. But the majority of us do, it is a huge part of our religion and our lives.

One major misunderstanding is that Wiccans worship Satan. We do not! In fact, Wiccans are the most peaceful group of people. We hang out it in forests and nature (and yes, some of us choose to go skyclad or nude). We live by a code or a guideline called the Wiccan Rede, which states "If it harm ye none, do as ye will."; it means we can do or believe whatever we want as long as it harms no one. We believe in the laws of karma, that anything negative we do will return to us threefold or three times as worse. We do not sacrifice chickens or harm animals, life is sacred to us. I have been known to silently pray for roadkill I come across; if I find a dead mouse outside or within my home, I will bury it with care and say a blessing for it.

Much like the Christian cross,the pentacle is our religious symbol. There are so many misconceptions about pentacles and pentagrams. This symbol is not evil! The Satanic symbol people mistake the pentagram for is called the Baphomet. There is nothing negative about the pentagram. 

A pentagram is the star without a surrounding circle, a pentacle has the circle around it. The Pentacle/Pentagram is a representation of the five elements - Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Spirit. These elements are the basis of the earth and really life itself. 

Wicca as we know it today was founded by a man named Gerald Gardner. There is much debate among our community on this man and his methods. Personally I believe he was exploiting the religion to have sex with lots of women; but that is neither here nor there. What is beautiful about Wicca is there are no set rules as to what you have to believe in. You are free to believe in and worship as you wish! You can actually choose which group of gods you wish to worship - this even includes Norse, Celtic, Egyption and Greek gods. Typically most Wiccans worship two gods, known as the lord (or father god) and the lady (or mother goddess). 

Personally, I am an Atheist Wiccan. I do not believe in any form of god. Now, you may ask me how am I a Wiccan if I do not believe in a god? It's simple; I worship nature and spirits. Though I do not believe in any sort of deity, I believe in spirits. I worship nature and the spirit of mother nature that runs through everything. Which is why I spend so much time in nature, it brings me peace and if you're aware enough you will witness some amazing things. 

We celebrate the Earth and the circle of life - The Wiccan calander containing all of our holidays is called The Wheel of the Year. Each season and holiday (called a Sabbat) represents a certain phase in the circle of life; many choose to use the god and goddess as representations of this. This is where the goddess or trifecta symbol comes in. 

This symbol not only represents the moon cycle of the waxing, full and waning moon which is oh, so important to us but it is a representation of mother nature's forms in life - the maiden, the mother and the crone. These forms are a representation of the circle of life - birth, life and death. The maiden is young and beautiful though can be naive, the mother is nurturing and the crone is wise. 

Now where does witchcraft fit into this all? It is our way of worship, through ritual. Again, there is no animal sacrifice or flashes of light shooting from our wands. Real magic is quite different. It is energy and intent; you must project the intent and energy into the universe. There are many factors that contribute to a spell's success such as the tools used, the day of the week, even the moon phase. We set altars,  light candles, we chant, we scatter herbs, we light incense. However, you must believe without an ounce of doubt that it will work, or it will not. 

One of my Spell Altars

We trust our intuition and are more in tune to the universe and things that most cannot explain. I completely believe in magic. I have witnessed too many strange happenings in my life to not. 

As there are many different types of witches and paths, there are different ways to worship - as a solitary or with a coven. A solitary is a lone witch who practices on their own; a coven is a group of witches with the same beliefs that worships together. If you are in the right coven, your coven is like your family. I am a leader (with the title of High Priestess) of my coven. Though I did not become serious about the craft until a year ago, I have been a Wiccan for 10 years now. 

With practice of the craft comes different interests or hobbies that can assist with our rituals. Divination is a huge one as well as honing psychic abilities. I am personally a skilled tarot reader, I am knowledgeable of essential oils, and I am very knowledgeable on spirits. Currently I have been studying up to be an herbalist, as well as practicing my scrying skills. Very recently astrology has tugged my interest as well.  Then there is my coven co-leader who is skilled with crystals, knowledgeable on chakra and healing as well as skillful in tarot. One of the best things about a coven is the amount of knowledge you can pass between each other. In my coven, I feel at home. I am among people that understand what I deal with from skeptics and people that fear Pagans. There is also no judgement or negativity. We support each other and we help each other learn.

If you know someone that is a Wiccan or even just Pagan, I urge you to get a (knowledgeable and correct) understanding of their beliefs and support them. It can mean a lot. Even in this day and age I get harassed and judged for my beliefs. I have gotten strange looks for wearing my pentacle in public. Most of my family knows that I'm strange and I do post witch things on my Facebook page, but most do not truly know how into the craft or my faith I am. When I bring up the fact that churches make me uncomfortable it opens up a shitstorm of debate - never mind the fact that I do not believe in a god. My mother has a basic understanding of my beliefs and what I do - she tends to just roll her eyes and ignore what I do. She tends to not care, but I still get the ignorant comments from her asking "What are you doing? Sacrificing a chicken?" every single time she catches me before or after doing a spell. My co-leader of my coven was interrogated by her mother when she "came out of the broom closet" and was asked if she believed in Satan and if she believed in Jesus Christ.

What was my religion before becoming a Wiccan and how did it influence my converting? 

My parents were agnostic - believing in a god but not too religious. As a child, my grandmother's sister's husband (my great uncle) was a pastor at a local church. I went to church with my grandma and to sunday school when I was little. I was in a lot of church plays (there is a picture of me somewhere in a mouse costume singing in one of the plays when I had to have been no older than 7.) and I was put into "Vacation Bible Camp", a church day camp for a few weeks in the summer for a few years. I often would help my great aunt and great uncle out in the food bank, mostly doing organizational work of the pantry. After a while the church had lost its appeal. My grandma would ask me to go to church with her but I found it terribly boring and didn't have much of a want to be involved anymore. 

I was fairly close to my second cousin (mother's cousin's daughter) when I was a child, we are close in age so we played together a lot. At one period of time, we were almost inseparable. Her mother was a very religious Christian, with her beliefs rubbing off on her daughter. So I heard a lot of religious talking. Wanting to spend more time with them, I started going with them to their church. At some point further on, I went to a different Christian day camp with my cousin. This place was the equivalent to what I now would consider hell. It was SUPER Jesus-fied! I wasn't too enthusiastic about going but my parents needed someone to watch me while they worked, so I was enrolled with my cousin. Literally every single thing was religion based from crafts to anything else we did. 

Around that time I began to question my beliefs. What probably really helped me was the falling out I had with my cousin and her mother -when I had a terrifying accident that though I wasn't severely injured left me mentally screwed up for a while. When I stopped spending time with them, so did my exposure to the amount of religious things.

I began to slowly question my beliefs and I stopped believing, becoming an atheist when I hit middle school.

What lead me to the craft and becoming a Wiccan?

It started when I was 13. My memories are a little hazy as to the exact moment I discovered wicca or real witchcraft but somehow I did. I think I learned it from a friend or the internet - again hazy memory. It seemed so alluring and wonderful. Fast forward to the summer of that year. A library in my state not too far from my home town has a book sale every weekend during the summer. I LOVE book sales - I dream of someday having an entire room in a house filled with all sorts of books. My dad and I frequently visited to get some new books and to support the library. I was browsing and I came across a used, slightly worn copy of Scott Cunningham's book Wicca for the Solitary Practitioner. My dad did not approve of the book or really anything relating to witchcraft, but he begrudgingly bought me the book knowing it would make me happy. And it was cheap! Hahaha. 

I flipped through the book and suddenly I knew I wanted to be a part of this awesome religion. Now admittedly I did not so much get into the learning part of it. I did some spells, held steadfast to my beliefs for a while and wore a pentacle but I did not properly study. Once I hit high school I sort of forgot about learning to be a proper witch for a while - but I did still wear my pentacles. I owned three - all three my dad ironically bought for me even though he hated the symbol. One was a little sphere sort of locket type that could hold a crystal or a pompom for essential oils. I kept a green pebble in it. The next being a small silver colored one on a black rope string and the third being a much larger metal, silver colored one from Spencer's. This was all before pentacles were readily available at Hottopic and you had to hunt for one at the local Spencer's or Indie shop. I also wore a Celtic knot a lot, of which my aunt bought for me at a renaissance fair. 

Even if I wasn't a practicing witch any longer, the symbol always gave me peace. When I was having a particularly rough time, I kept it close. I would draw the knot for protection on notebooks, pieces of paper and even my wall for protection. I wore my pentacle on the black rope every single day under my clothing while my dad was dying of cancer. 

Now I always was very interested in the occult and supernatural. I had always wanted a ouija board (oh, silly child) and a tarot deck but (despite his insistence that he was a skeptic) my dad refused to allow such items into his house. I'm not sure when it exactly clicked, but as most of you know I went through a very rough time in 2015. At the beginning of the year I became very, very sick which lead to me having permanent tinnitus. I became wracked with anxiety to the point where I couldn't function. I would barely eat. I could not leave the house, in fear of a panic attack starting and becoming dizzy or passing out from it. I barely slept - at the height of it I went a week sleeping maybe two or three hours a day. I would be up all night with panic attacks, unable to calm them and would slip into my mom's bedroom once she left for work to try to get a little sleep. 

Aside from medication, rediscovering Wicca saved my life. One day I just had the random urge to get back to it. So I began to read up on it more and devouring every single topic that I could. It gave me something to hold onto and give me some sort of hope while I was struggling and losing my mind. I studied intensely for months. I bought a large hardcover journal to use to record my Book of Shadows (a witch's spellbook. The name derived from the fact that witches were forced to hide and practice in the shadows for so long in history. Also referred to as a grimoire. ) and I recorded all sorts of spells and information in it for 8+ hours a day for a month, all handwritten. 

Before I knew it, I had gotten through my anxiety or I was doing better and I had become immersed in the craft. It all felt so good! I found that I was rediscovering myself after all of my breakdowns and panic and Wicca helped me to return to the root of who I am. It allowed me to become more at peace and more myself. It is just one of those feelings where you know what you're doing is so, so right. 

There is so much information, but  I did my best to provide basic knowledge. If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask! 

Xoxo

Heather Zombie

Christmas Ramblings + More Updates?

Hellooooo!!! I just wanted to take the time to wish everyone a very happy holiday season. If you celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas. If you celebrate Hanukkah, happy Hanukkah! If it's Kwanzaa you celebrate, happy Kwanzaa. For my fellow Pagans: I hope your Yule was very merry.

I hope that everyone has had a lovely holiday, whatever it is that you may celebrate. I am as always so very thankful for all of the wonderful friends in my life, whom without I would not even be here. Special mentions go out to Vicky (as always, my dear <3), Natasha, Becky, Jeff, Mike, Charlie, Amanda and Cara for being such wonderful friends and always being there to deal with my ups and downs and my strange quirks. You are all very dear to me <3.

My holiday has been pleasant, nothing full of fanfare and spectacularities (is that even a word?), but drama free and calm :). Last night for Christmas eve I got all dolled up to go to my aunt's house in New York (the state, not the city). Every year she has a Christmas party with her family and my uncle's family. Though not exciting (honestly boring, I'm not one to just sit around with nothing to do but socialize) it was nice. The group I traveled with (my mother and grandmother) had to leave much earlier than anticipated though, due to slippery roads tormented by black ice. It was a nerve wracking drive home, but we made it safely! I was a little sad to not spend more time with my cousins who I hardly see, but I wasn't too disappointed to get home. For one; I got to throw off my bra, watch Bob's Burgers and color. But I also didn't have to deal with the depressing part of the evening for me.

The Christmas season typically is really depressing for me and is a very difficult time. Christmas was my dad's favorite holiday and without him it has been really hard. Not just that, but when he was sick with cancer he was sick all during the holidays; being his worse the last two weeks of December and passing away the first week of January. It's like a triple whammy for me - Christmas and New Years without him and his death anniversary on the 4th. It is always difficult for me to see everyone so happy around the holidays and especially happy with their families - because I don't have that anymore. At my aunt's house when everyone gathers around the tree and opens gifts it reminds me of what I lost. Not of the gifts - those I don't care so much about; but the pure bliss of spending Christmas with both of your parents without a care in the world.

This year I was fortunate enough to not fall into my deep black hole of despair that typically consumes me in December. I had fully expected it to, especially with the 5 year anniversary drawing near of losing my dad and of it being five years since he was so sick. I was in a decent head state this year - I think mostly to throwing myself into my work and working on giving generously to my loved ones. I was even listening to Christmas music!

I do tend to get a little despaired towards the end of the holiday, when my mom decides that she has had enough family time and goes into her room to watch tv , leaving myself alone for the evening. Despite that slight lament there, I'm okay. I spent the day with my mom and the cats. We opened gifts when I woke up and we watched movies while we tinkered with our gifts. We also spent time playing with the cats with their new toys. My big chunky kitty, Nina looked like a grizzly bear standing on her hind legs trying to get the mouse on a string toy I was hovering over her. The one part I do really like about our Christmases now is that we just stay in our PJs all day! Hahaha.

As for more updates - hopefully my pretties! I make no promises, BUT I received a new laptop for Christmas. I am hoping that with it I will update more frequently. One of the reasons I scarcely update is difficulty posting from my  tablet and my desktop computer. My old computer is at least 10 years old and constantly freezes, so I was looonggg overdue! I am very happy, now I can work efficiently and work more on my writing!

Anyway, hope you all had a lovely day and a lovely evening. I would ramble some more, but my wine is making me sleepy. Zzzzz

Xoxo

Heather Zombie

Recent Reading

Hi everyone!! Today I'm going to talk about what I've been reading.

 I read a LOT! In fact I read every single day. I have a nightly ritual before bed that consists of classical or ambient music, herbal tea and reading. 

Fan fiction 

I read so much fan fiction, it's rather sad. Sometimes it is needed though to satisfy cravings for more story especially with instances like the Harry Potter series where all of the books have been written and the series has ended. Fanfiction/fanfics/fics are simply fan written stories based upon a certain fandom. 

Attack on Titan Fanfiction 

Since the summer I have been reading tons of fan fiction from this crazed fandom. Of course 99% of it is all totally gay. I read mostly Erwin x Levi fics but I will also read Levi x Eren. There has also been the rare Levi x Petra. A lot of the stories I have read are too embarassing for me to post here for recommend! Hahaha ....oh, the smut! 

Harry Potter Fanfiction 

The Harry Potter fics I read are MUCH tamer compared to the AOT ones. My favorites are ones that pick up from the ending of book 7 (before the epilogue). I also really enjoy "butterfly effect" type ones, where something small in the course of the series is changed in the story and how that affects everything else. 

I am currently reading The Lion's Pride, sequel to The Lion Tamer by James Spookie.

The Lion's Pride - https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6554334/1/The-Lion-s-Pride
The Lion Tamer - https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6311215/1/The-Lion-Tamer


 It is basically a take on the series where Harry begins dating Daphne Greengrass in his 5th year and how different things are as a result. For those that don't know, Daphne Greengrass is a character the fandom absolutely loves to play with! She is briefly mentioned in The Order of The Phoenix and she is known to be a Slytherin. Her little sister, Astoria Greengrass is married to Draco Malfoy in the epilogue of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Not much is known about Daphne, so fans have fun tinkering with her character. It is a common head-canon (a fan made canon, not actual canon) that Daphne is one of the neutral or good Slytherin - she isn't a death eater and doesn't support them.

 As a Gritherin/Glytherin I fully appreciate this!! Not all Slytherin are evil or cruel. Ie - Horace Slughorn. I say Gritherin/Glytherin because I have been sorted in both Gryffindor and Slytherin by Potter more. When I first joined the website I was sorted into Gryffindor; when they relaunched the website it was required for members to register again - I was then sorted into Slytherin. I am stuck in between - I feel a part of both houses and I have pride for both. I have the courage and kindness of a Gryffindor - I've dealt with a lot in my life. I also have the determination and cunning of a Slytherin. I refuse to give up on my goals and I keep my aspirations high. I will do whatever I need to achieve these goals and I will plot plans in order to make them happen.

 Some of my favorite Harry Potter fanfictions are: 

Recnac Transfaerso by Celebony 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1399984/1/Recnac-Transfaerso

This fic seems silly to some and it's really angsty/emo...but I absolutely LOVE Harry's characterization in it. He is just the sweetest nugget! In all seriousness this story is about Harry magically extracting cancer from a muggle whom he really cared for and having to take it on himself, with no magical cure. This fanfic really helped me to get over my whole "burst out crying simply at the mention of cancer" type issues. 

Harry Potter and the Battle of Wills by Jocelyn 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2009130/1/Harry-Potter-and-the-Battle-of-Wills

It has been a long time since I've read this one. I don't remember much of what happens, I just really know I enjoyed this one immensely. 

Harry Potter and the Summer After The War by Mrs. Granger 

http://www.harrypotterfanfiction.com/viewstory.php?psid=245803

I wish Mrs. Granger wrote more than 2 in this series. It is so good! As the title says the first fic focuses on the summer after the war. The series takes it from right after the battle of Hogwarts through Harry's first mission as an official auror.

 Antiquity Link by Semprini 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5238750/1/Harry-Potter-and-the-Antiquity-Link

 I totally recommend any of Semprini's works. They have quite a few series, some being different takes on Harry's life and story while in school, others post- Hogwarts. I really enjoyed this one. Basically Harry becomes sick of everyone and everything, on a whim runs away on a plane and goes to stay in Japan for a while. It's really cool how the author envisioned the difference between English and Japanese wizarding society and culture. Plus Fred is a ghost in this one, which results in occasional hilarity. 

Miss Peregrine Series by Ransom Riggs

 I started reading Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children a year or two ago but it didn't hold my interest, so I moved on. When I saw the trailers for the movie - done by my favorite director, Tim Burton my interest was once again piqued. This summer I gave this book another shot and was pleasantly surprised. Once I got past the dragging and monotonous parts I could not put the book down. Without giving much away it is about a teenage boy named Jacob Portman. He was incredibly close to his paternal grandfather, Abe Portman. Growing up his grandfather would show him pictures of "peculiar" children and tell him all of the stories to accompany them by. Abe was a paranoid man convinced monsters were out to kill him. Upon his death under mysterious circumstances Jacob thinks he saw a monster kill him and he finds a last message from his grandfather. So he travels to the island that his grandfather grew up on in order to piece together the fragments of the past. 

I am now starting book 2, Hollow City. I have literally read 1 page so I cannot report back on it quite yet. 

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them Original Screenplay by J. K Rowling 

I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan, I will read anything my goddess and savior J.K Rowling writes in the wizarding world. I was going to wait to read this until I could see the movie, but I do not anticipate that happening any time soon so I dug in. I'm not far into this book yet, but the format is similar to The Cursed Child. I am really enjoying the story so far! Niffler is precious and I'm awaiting to see more than a glimpse of the Bowtruckle. I really like Newt so far too. Fun fact - even as a die hard fan that has read every book over 20 times a piece, until recently I was misreading Newt's last name as SCHMANDER, not Scamander as it actually is. Anyone else have moments like that with literature? 

I remember as a child reading the first two books before the movies ever came out I misread quite a few words! Severus Snape was Serverus Snape, Diagon Alley was Dragon Alley, Privet Drive was Private Drive, Prefect was Perfect, Karkaroff was Karakoff. What was wrong with my brain back then?? Bonus, I would pronounce Hermione as Her-Me-Own until the movies came out and Sirius as Sir-Eye-Us. LOL 

Throne of Glass series by Sarah J. Maas

 This is a series that Vicky and myself discovered while browsing the library; we were hoping to find a good fantasy series that we could both read and discuss. Honestly, we couldn't have made a better choice. It is like Game of Thrones mixed with The Hunger Games. The story follows Celaena Sardothien (Sell-Aye-Nah Sar-Doth-Ee-En Yay for me pronouncing it correctly in my mind while reading!), she is a famous assassin imprisoned in a work mine. Miraculously she has lived longer than any other prisoner there. One day the crowned prince of Adarlan, Dorian Havilliard pulls her from the mines - he announces that she is to be his champion in a tournament to become the king's assassin. If she competes and wins then she will earn her freedom after 7 years of service. Of course, this isn't an offer she can refuse. Despite her contempt for the kingdom and its corrupt king she goes along and vows to win so that she may finally be free. But all is not easy! All of her competitors are men and brutal assassins at that, plus something is mysteriously killing the other competitors. 

I am currently on book 3, Heir of Fire.

 I LOVE this series. Celaena is such a badass; not just that but she's tough and intelligent too. She can get down and dirty but she is also very feminine and adores beautiful clothing. There is magic in the series from sort-of unexpected places; the series is filled with so many twists and turns. There is romance and I admit a rather silly love triangle - but the love triangle isn't the focus of the story; Celaena is. I totally recommend reading this. Don't let the YA categorization fool you! 

Attack on Titan Manga

 If you follow me then you most likely know about the incredibly popular anime; possibly the most popular anime in the world with the most cracked out fanbase. I have such an intense love for Levi as well as a huge craving to find out what happens after season 1 leaves off. I am currently on volume 14 (roughly chapter 55/56). The manga is really good and I am so enthralled my the story and the shitstorm the characters find themselves in.

 Astrology

 I am always researching something. I love to research topics of interest; I love enriching my mind. As of late Astrology has been particularly interesting to me, so I have read a few books on it as well as some online research. 

Poe Short Stories 

In October I was in my usual spooky mood so I read some of Edgar Allan Poe's short stories in the scariest place - the laundromat. All kidding aside, the bathroom at my local laundromat is fucking terrifying. I had to venture in there to get paper towels once.....never again O_____O. I have a dislike for public restrooms to begin with, I would literally weep if I were forced to use that particular facility. I love the master of macabre; I find that no one quite write such hauntingly beautiful pieces of literature quite like him. My favorite story of his is The Masque of Red Death. 

Fun fact - in high school for an English final we had to do a presentation with a certain chosen medium and pretend that we were the main character from a story we read that year. Me being the eccentric person I am, not even thinking chose The Cask of Amontillado and I had to present songs that could fit the story as Montresor. That paired with a multitude of metal music was in poor choice, I'm pretty sure everyone thought I was nuts. My teacher was giving me the strangest looks and some of my fellow students looked scared. It probably didn't help that when I was done I walked up to a kid that was laughing at me through my presentation and screamed in his face. 

If you want to see what I've read or keep up with my reading, follow me on Goodreads. Seriously, guys pleaaseee join me. I would love to have more friends to follow on there! 

https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/47607256-heather-zombie 

Xoxo Heather Zombie

The Paranormal

Hi guys!!! I'm trying harder to post more, but I'm not sure how successful I will be. I've been buckling down more on my cosplays, trying to gather supplies and beginning to build my props. Let me tell you - prop building is an experience. Once I have finished making my costumes I'll have to write about my experiences as a first time cosplay builder. I made the mistake of picking foam with a cardboard/fiberglass coating and had to peel that off. Boy that sure was fun.. ><

Anyway today I thought I would discuss the paranormal. I have wanted to discuss this topic for a long time, but I have always stopped myself due to naysayers. I don't have much patience for skeptics that actively try to disprove my beliefs.  So if you don't believe in this type of thing, please do not comment with something trying to disprove me or claim I am crazy - because I'm not.

Now that that's out of the way, I have always believed in ghosts and have been fascinated by the paranormal. As as child I loved to play with ouija boards (stupid, stupid child) and Bloody Mary. As I grew older and discovered the internet I actively sought out to hear about others experiences and various strange encounters. Growing up in New England, this interest probably makes sense. New England is the most haunted region in the united states; as it is the oldest. There are quite a few well known haunted places in my state such as Dudley Town (you can read my post on that here:  ), Union Cemetery, Holyland, Remington Arms and Fairfield Hills asylum.

My hometown even has some known hauntings - there was a huge fire in the early 1900's  wiping out much of the downtown/main streets of the town. Some hotels are said to be haunted as well as the local coffee house.

I have had numerous experiences and things that I cannot for the life of me explain. My house is haunted, it always has been but after losing my dad it has been much more active. A few different people including myself have seen apparitions in my home and strange mists. We will have things fly off of shelves with no feasible explanation, from time to time things will be moved when we absolutely know where they were previously placed. Both myself and my mom have felt things jump onto our beds at night, when we turn on the light nothing will be there including my cats. Once in a while something will touch me when I am trying to fall asleep. I have felt hands touch me, even hands grabbing my leg.

At night when everyone is in their rooms and accounted for you can hear footsteps roaming the hallway. Yes, it can be quite creepy but most of it I'm so used to that it doesn't phase me anymore.

I am a firm believer having experienced so many things in my 22 years on this planet. The nonfiction book I am writing is actually about my strange experiences. I have visited two mediums who both had zero information prior to meeting me and they had come out with scarily accurate things, some only I would know. I also work with tarot cards and have had most of my readings turn out scarily accurate.

I consider myself fairly knowledgeable on the topic of ghosts with how much research I have done, though if I attempt to make contact with one I am extremely careful. I cannot stress enough that you shouldn't mess with what you don't understand; things can end badly if you don't know what you're doing. Do not attempt to summon anything you can't banish or open doorways that you can't close. Although admittedly ouija boards don't work a lot of the time, sometimes they can. And if it does, you're welcoming something in that you don't know. That's my advice.

Have any of you had strange experiences or seen strange things? Comment and let me know!

Xoxo

Heather Zombie 💜

A Very Sensitive & Personal Post: I am a Victim of Rape and Molestation

Today's post is a very sensitive topic to me and also very personal. As a warning, it may be a trigger to some. I went back and forth deciding if I would even write this then back and forth some more on if I would post it. I originally wrote this a year ago and it's been sitting in my phone untouched since then. I was looking for something to post today and I came across this draft. I wasn't ready to come forward so publicly with something so personal back then. But now, I feel stronger and ready to share my story.

 I am honestly pouring my heart into this post, this is something I haven't been very open about (or even allowed to be open about for some time). I have never been more vulnerable on this blog. Sometimes I wanted to just let it out and others I didn't. I am not posting this to whine or for attention or for anyone to feel sorry for me. Absolutely none of the above is my intention. I am posting this because I thought that maybe my story will help someone else who has been through the same thing. I am still alive and I'm still fighting. I haven't let it take me down. But this is also for me. After years and years of internal warfare and being forced to keep the subject to myself I am allowing myself to finally be free. No more silence! I have also been working my struggle into one of the books I'm writing and if I were to get published this information would come out anyway.

Alright, here it is. I am a victim of rape and molestation. I will not get into the gruesome details, they are very difficult to me to think about let alone discuss and none of you need to know about it. I will only say that I was very young when it all happened. About 8 years old and it went on for about a year. It was a distant cousin that put me through all of this.

I used to stay with my grandma all the time when my parents worked. She lives next door to me so it was always really convenient. At the time when this began a group of distant cousins - two grandparents, parents and their children all stayed in one spare room at my grandma's house. They picked up and moved a lot, getting in trouble with money or screwing people over and every time they came back, they cried to my grandma for help. My grandma has a hard time saying no to people and has a large heart so she allowed them to stay in a spare room until they got a place of their own. They had 3 somewhat children around my age, two girls (3 and 13/14) and a boy (12). I used to play with them a lot after school, especially the boy (I won't use names). We would run around both yards (both connected and large) playing "Harry Potter" and pretending to duel each other. I don't remember exactly when it started happening, but things took a dark turn.

Him and I were often left alone outside together with no adult supervision. When he was positive no one would look for us or bother us he would drag me into the shed in my back yard and force me to do things. It then gravitated from that shed to outside in my back yard. I didn't understand it at all, but I knew it was wrong and I didn't want any part of what he made me do or made me see. I was completely powerless, especially being a young and small girl compared to him who was twice my size and nearly a teenager. He forced me to keep quiet and most probably threatened me. For a year or so I was practically his slave, completely under his power.

Luckily, one day I was freed from him. My aunt (who was probably 16 at the time) somehow found out what happened. We were very close and I trusted her a lot, so when we hung out in her room one day she asked me about it and I completely spilled everything. She was pretty much the person that saved me and she spoke up to end it.

 When two other members of my family found out (who they are shall remain anonymous) I was given a lecture about how what happened was wrong and that I was forbidden to talk about it to anyone. You see, my dad had a very bad temper. He wasn't abusive, he was a fantasic awesome dad. He loved me very much. If he found out what had happened to me, he probably would have ended up in prison for murder. So I did as I was told. The cousin along with his parents, aunts, sisters and grandparents moved away. They were given the option to move or the situation be taken to the police. They moved.

As the years went on, I forgot all about it. My mind blocked it all out, which I am very thankful for and I was able to have a mostly good childhood. But, sadly when I was in middle school and in my early teens it started to come back. Just little bits and pieces at first, I wasn't sure if it was a dream or if it had actually happened. It was a very confusing time. This started my long battle with depression. I tried discussing it with a family member, but I yet again was told that I was forbidden to speak of it. So I dealt with it on my own.

Hell to this day when I try to speak to them about it, it is waved off as not a big deal because a similar thing happened to them and I still am forbidden to speak of it.

One day it just hit me hard and I remembered a giant chunk of it. I didn't know what to do and I just lost it. I felt so lost and like I was spiraling out of control. I was constantly thinking about it and crying myself to sleep. I blamed myself and felt disgusting. I dealt with it in bad ways. Although forbidden, I tried to discuss it with a few people but they didn't understand. One girl I used to be friends with had the audacity to pretend that she was raped for attention and made it all about her (I know for a fact, because she always pulled stunts like that and was exposed as a liar).

I did get through it though. One day, I just decided that I did not want him having so much power over me. I didn't want him controlling my life anymore and I was so sick of being terrified and depressed all the time. So I slowly picked up the pieces. I told myself that it wasn't my fault. That I shouldn't be scared anymore, he is gone from my life and can't hurt me anymore. That it's all over with. So as time went on, I thought about it less and less. And it bothered me less and less. I found myself not losing it every time I did think about it. I was able to carry on with my life and not let it control me. I am a survivor.

A few months to a year after my dad died, his grandparents and their son came back. When I saw them in my driveway, visiting with my grandmother I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I was so terrified, thinking that he would be back. He is the one person on this earth that I am absolutely horrified of. Just seeing him is a nightmare for me let alone having to talk to him. Around that time I had found him on facebook and that took me days to recover from.

Luckily, I never saw him again. I found out that he had done the same thing to another girl and was put in prison for it. Sadly, I never got justice and because of the way it was handled I never will. He lives in Tennessee now and is free. I am also pretty sure he has a daughter.

I am not completely over it, I still at 22 still struggle with it. I doubt I will ever fully be over it. It is a very traumatic and difficult thing to go through let alone at the age that I did. It's horrifying when I remember bits and pieces and think of how badly my innocence was stolen and how little I was able to comprehend the situation back then.

 Anyone that has been through a similar situation will tell you that you never truly get over it. But it is easier to deal with. I still have my moments of weakness just like anyone else. I do still get random new pieces of memory coming back to me. The scene towards the end of Sword Art Online where Asuna is molested and nearly raped by Sougou was a gigantic trigger to me, it caused a very bad series of flashbacks and it was the last time that a new piece of memory came back to me. Sometimes if I am watching a show or movie with a rape scene (the more graphic, the worse it is) it will act as a trigger to me and cause me to have flashbacks. I really can't watch scenes like that even in anime. This is why I am always saying I can't handle scenes like that.

I still can't go into that shed without having problems and sadly I get forced to retrieve things from it anyway. I can however finally be in my back yard and see the shed and be totally fine.

Now, I am not sharing this for attention or for any of you to feel sorry for me. I am discussing this because I don't EVER want anyone to go through what I did. If someone has done something to you without your permission, please speak up! Even if you are told not to, go to a friend, a trusted adult or even the police. Do not keep it to yourself. Go after the piece of shit! Do not let anyone tell you that you are not allowed to talk about it. Do not be afraid, you are not at fault. Please, learn from my mistakes and reach out for help. You don't have to deal on your own. If anyone in this situation or in any situation needs to talk, I will gladly listen. One of my philosophies in life is to be there to listen to anyone in need. I spent so much of my life suffering and battling my demons on my own. I don't ever want to see anyone else feeling that way if I can help it.  You can and will get through it.

Thank you so much for reading this. It was really hard for me to write. For 14  years I have kept silent with this and told maybe a few people, but I don't even think I have ever told anyone everything. After not being allowed to talk about it for so long (my family still either 1.won't aknowledge it or 2. Refuses to discuss it) it does give me some anxiety discussing it. I admit I had some terrible anxiety after originally  writing this a year ago, just thinking about posting it. But now it feels like a weight was lifted. It means a lot that you read this, it's a huge deal for me that I finally broke my silence and I guess it proves that I'm stronger.

Xoxo

Heather Zombie

You are stronger than you think <3

My Year In Review

Hello my dears! Truth be told I stole this post idea from my friend Jeff (Hiiiiii!!!!) and it's a damn good one! I think it's important to review the year and see how far you have come. And boy did I have lots of that this year.  I will get a bit personal here as I take a look back at this year. For starters 2015 was the 2nd worst year of my life.

First selfie of 2015!

2015 started out normally....with a cold that never fully went away. In April I woke up one morning to a ringing in my ear. I went to the doctor a week later and was prescribed Flonase to take care of the problem, assuming that my clogged sinuses and ears were to blame....then it all went down hill from there. For 2-3 months I battled severe illness as a result of a combination of a bad reaction to the Flonase and from the stress of dealing with tinnitus 24/7. I had never been so sick in my life, even when I nearly died from pneumonia as a child. It was absolute hell and nearly landed me in the hospital a few times. Of course my doctors were a bit puzzled and weren't much help. Eventually we figured out that the stress and anxiety I was feeling from the ringing was physically making me sicker and making me incapable of getting better.

 I eventually (luckily) recovered but then had another enemy to battle - anxiety. The ringing racked me with severe anxiety. It was at the point where I was constantly pulling all nighters and finally falling asleep for 3-4 hours at a time around 8 or 9 in the morning because I couldn't stop the panic attacks. I had the hardest time eating really anything but yogurt; I lost 20 pounds as a result of everything from the anxiety.  Tensions at home were high - my mom didn't understand anxiety at all so she snapped at me a lot. She was also really worried because I was so sick and she was convinced she would come home one day and find me dead.

To make matters worse, I went to the ear doctor and there was nothing they could do to stop the ringing or help me. That was my breaking point and I just spiraled down from there. After a week of not sleeping at all and feeling like I was not only  in a Nightmare on Elm Street movie but also feeling like I was on drugs while I waited at the ear doctor's office because I was so sleep deprived ,I decided it was time to get help for my anxiety.

 So I went to the doctor and insisted she put me on medication for it. I was prescribed Zoloft for my anxiety, after two weeks things got better. I was having less panic attacks, I could actually sleep for the most part and I could actually do things other than coloring, reading Harry Potter  or watching TV. One thing I never knew possible - if you have severe anxiety it is near impossible to focus on a task.  I did however have my dose upped from there and it was totally the best thing I did. I recovered which I never felt was possible. Sure my anxiety is still a struggle I'll probably have for the rest of my life. Sometimes I still get minor panic attacks but I can usually calm myself down. Loud or sudden noises startle me quite easily now too ever since I had those struggles.

As a result of being severely fucked up until say August/September of this year I in a way lost myself and had a lot of internal struggle. What really helped me through all of it were 3 things: my friends Vicky and Natasha and my rediscovering of Wicca. I don't remember what triggered it but something convinced me to get back in touch with my witchy roots...it was the thing that saved me and pulled me out of the darkness. It helped me to cope and gave me something else to focus on. No this isn't one of those "I found religion so I'm better" things; on the contrary. I still retain my atheist ideals, I don't worship any sort of god; rather I worship and celebrate nature. I was also into wicca at a young age and just lost touch with it.

No, children the pentagram/pentacle is not evil. It represents the 5 elements: Earth, Fire, Water, Air and Spirit. There is nothing evil about wicca, it is actually a very peaceful way of life. No...we won't curse you. 

From there I formed my own coven with Vicky and it has all felt so right.

Some good things did happen this year, so it wasn't completely horrible. What good came from 2015?

 I got to have the tea party of my dreams.

I finally saw that damn blood moon that I had been trying to see for 2 years.

I began not only writing one book but two. And it has felt absolutely wonderful to get back to writing.

I got more into cosplay and makeup. I also resurrected my business.

I grew very close to some new friends this year and also grew closer to old ones. Particularly Natasha, Charlie, Jeff and Vicky. I now talk to Natasha and Vicky nearly every day and it makes me so glad that we do ^__^.

Another major thing that happened this year - I gained some confidence. I don't have the best self confidence honestly. There are guys on twitter that will tell me I'm hot, cute or beautiful and it just leaves me clueless. Like, are you sure you're talking about me? I may seem like a really confident person with the various projects I share with you all but I'm not. You should see all of the work behind the scenes and my struggle when I record songs and try to decide if I should post them.

 I don't always feel like I'm pretty let alone beautiful. I used to text Vicky every time I was going to post a picture of myself online to see if it looked alright.

Slowly, I began to stop caring. Hell I even posted a few pictures of my makeup-less (which is rather scary) face this year! It used to be if my photos showed even a tiny bit of imperfection I would scrap it. But now I just post what I want. I also am learning to become more comfortable in my own skin. It used to be when friends would come over to hang I would have to put on a full face of makeup, now I am happy to say I have no problem being bare faced around them. However I still can't go to the store without makeup.

We adopted my cat Nina in January of this year, and I love her so much <3.

This year I became even more of a weeb. From watching more anime and now having a gigantic chunk of my room covered in anime posters. I think I even became more of a fangirl ._____.

I also started this blog!! I started it I think in February? Either way this blog is nearly a year old! I honestly can't believe it and I have all of you lovely readers to thank for keeping me going with writing this. So thank you so much for sticking with me and supporting me, even if I'm not the most reliable poster.

We had a lot of drama in my family this year; between one of my grandma's psychotic and mentally ill adoptive children (whom is pretty much disowned) showing up at her house with a knife and threatening her, my mom's health struggles and mine, my grandma being diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma last year (it hasn't become cancerous yet), a nasty custody situation with my cousins and my aunt's dog becoming paralyzed from Lyme disease (he's getting better and walking low). Yeah.....fun times!!! My family is like a fucking soap opera.

I'm still single. Although many signs have pointed out that I should focus more on my mental well being, I hope that that special someone comes along in 2016. I'm at the point where yes I do want love. I've always been the type that rolled their eyes when friends were all lovey-dovey with boyfriends/girlfriends and I swore off wanting a relationship. But I guess because I'm growing older things have changed. And I have changed a LOT in the last 4-5 years. No it isn't my biological clock ticking, I never want children.

I don't trust online dating, so sorry fanboys. Fingers crossed for me guys!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. My Christmas was very nice. I went to a party at my aunt's house New Years Eve and got a little tipsy xD....my uncle's sister kept coming by refilling my glass! 

White Christmas Martini with Pinnacle vanilla and Godiva chocolate liquier

On Christmas I stayed home with my mom, we sat in our PJs and watched Disney movies while having cocktails. We had some insane summer like weather and had to have the A/C on which was a first in December.

 I got a lot of lovely gifts such as these from Vicky:  

A book from my favorite Wiccan author, a Hagrid Funko figure (I'm trying to build my collection) and a Jack Skellington bow.

My mom got me the new Fire tablet since the tablet my dad got me (and the last thing he ever gave me) died this year. It's beautiful, I absolutely love it!! I named it Tabby *^*. It really surprised me for a $50 tablet. I can even side load apps to it!

She also got me this necklace to put my dad's ashes in so that I can carry him wherever I go.

And this beautiful tea cup charm for my charm bracelet.

I got this necklace from my Aunt Sharon and I'm completely obsessed with it.

My friend Amanda got me these from Lush (including the heavenly rose scented shampoo bar I've been dying for  - Jason and the Argan Oil) 

And I got a beautiful package from Natasha with a bunch of things I love. My favorite however is this Sailor Moon lanyard (which I put my keys on) and a flash drive for my writing. Thank you so much again! <3

Gee...could you tell that I REALLY like anime??? 

I'm not going to list everything I got though, just thought I would share some of my favorite things ^_^.

My last selfie of 2015.

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful New Year's Eve and be safe! Don't drink and drive! I hope 2016 is an even better year for everyone and that it brings all that you wish <3

Xoxo

Heather Zombie <3

P.S  To my friends - for a few days I may be out of reach, as the anniversary of when we lost my dad (January 4) is drawing near.