Today's post is a very sensitive topic to me and also very personal. As a warning, it may be a trigger to some. I went back and forth deciding if I would even write this then back and forth some more on if I would post it. I originally wrote this a year ago and it's been sitting in my phone untouched since then. I was looking for something to post today and I came across this draft. I wasn't ready to come forward so publicly with something so personal back then. But now, I feel stronger and ready to share my story.
I am honestly pouring my heart into this post, this is something I haven't been very open about (or even allowed to be open about for some time). I have never been more vulnerable on this blog. Sometimes I wanted to just let it out and others I didn't. I am not posting this to whine or for attention or for anyone to feel sorry for me. Absolutely none of the above is my intention. I am posting this because I thought that maybe my story will help someone else who has been through the same thing. I am still alive and I'm still fighting. I haven't let it take me down. But this is also for me. After years and years of internal warfare and being forced to keep the subject to myself I am allowing myself to finally be free. No more silence! I have also been working my struggle into one of the books I'm writing and if I were to get published this information would come out anyway.
Alright, here it is. I am a victim of rape and molestation. I will not get into the gruesome details, they are very difficult to me to think about let alone discuss and none of you need to know about it. I will only say that I was very young when it all happened. About 8 years old and it went on for about a year. It was a distant cousin that put me through all of this.
I used to stay with my grandma all the time when my parents worked. She lives next door to me so it was always really convenient. At the time when this began a group of distant cousins - two grandparents, parents and their children all stayed in one spare room at my grandma's house. They picked up and moved a lot, getting in trouble with money or screwing people over and every time they came back, they cried to my grandma for help. My grandma has a hard time saying no to people and has a large heart so she allowed them to stay in a spare room until they got a place of their own. They had 3 somewhat children around my age, two girls (3 and 13/14) and a boy (12). I used to play with them a lot after school, especially the boy (I won't use names). We would run around both yards (both connected and large) playing "Harry Potter" and pretending to duel each other. I don't remember exactly when it started happening, but things took a dark turn.
Him and I were often left alone outside together with no adult supervision. When he was positive no one would look for us or bother us he would drag me into the shed in my back yard and force me to do things. It then gravitated from that shed to outside in my back yard. I didn't understand it at all, but I knew it was wrong and I didn't want any part of what he made me do or made me see. I was completely powerless, especially being a young and small girl compared to him who was twice my size and nearly a teenager. He forced me to keep quiet and most probably threatened me. For a year or so I was practically his slave, completely under his power.
Luckily, one day I was freed from him. My aunt (who was probably 16 at the time) somehow found out what happened. We were very close and I trusted her a lot, so when we hung out in her room one day she asked me about it and I completely spilled everything. She was pretty much the person that saved me and she spoke up to end it.
When two other members of my family found out (who they are shall remain anonymous) I was given a lecture about how what happened was wrong and that I was forbidden to talk about it to anyone. You see, my dad had a very bad temper. He wasn't abusive, he was a fantasic awesome dad. He loved me very much. If he found out what had happened to me, he probably would have ended up in prison for murder. So I did as I was told. The cousin along with his parents, aunts, sisters and grandparents moved away. They were given the option to move or the situation be taken to the police. They moved.
As the years went on, I forgot all about it. My mind blocked it all out, which I am very thankful for and I was able to have a mostly good childhood. But, sadly when I was in middle school and in my early teens it started to come back. Just little bits and pieces at first, I wasn't sure if it was a dream or if it had actually happened. It was a very confusing time. This started my long battle with depression. I tried discussing it with a family member, but I yet again was told that I was forbidden to speak of it. So I dealt with it on my own.
Hell to this day when I try to speak to them about it, it is waved off as not a big deal because a similar thing happened to them and I still am forbidden to speak of it.
One day it just hit me hard and I remembered a giant chunk of it. I didn't know what to do and I just lost it. I felt so lost and like I was spiraling out of control. I was constantly thinking about it and crying myself to sleep. I blamed myself and felt disgusting. I dealt with it in bad ways. Although forbidden, I tried to discuss it with a few people but they didn't understand. One girl I used to be friends with had the audacity to pretend that she was raped for attention and made it all about her (I know for a fact, because she always pulled stunts like that and was exposed as a liar).
I did get through it though. One day, I just decided that I did not want him having so much power over me. I didn't want him controlling my life anymore and I was so sick of being terrified and depressed all the time. So I slowly picked up the pieces. I told myself that it wasn't my fault. That I shouldn't be scared anymore, he is gone from my life and can't hurt me anymore. That it's all over with. So as time went on, I thought about it less and less. And it bothered me less and less. I found myself not losing it every time I did think about it. I was able to carry on with my life and not let it control me. I am a survivor.
A few months to a year after my dad died, his grandparents and their son came back. When I saw them in my driveway, visiting with my grandmother I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I was so terrified, thinking that he would be back. He is the one person on this earth that I am absolutely horrified of. Just seeing him is a nightmare for me let alone having to talk to him. Around that time I had found him on facebook and that took me days to recover from.
Luckily, I never saw him again. I found out that he had done the same thing to another girl and was put in prison for it. Sadly, I never got justice and because of the way it was handled I never will. He lives in Tennessee now and is free. I am also pretty sure he has a daughter.
I am not completely over it, I still at 22 still struggle with it. I doubt I will ever fully be over it. It is a very traumatic and difficult thing to go through let alone at the age that I did. It's horrifying when I remember bits and pieces and think of how badly my innocence was stolen and how little I was able to comprehend the situation back then.
Anyone that has been through a similar situation will tell you that you never truly get over it. But it is easier to deal with. I still have my moments of weakness just like anyone else. I do still get random new pieces of memory coming back to me. The scene towards the end of Sword Art Online where Asuna is molested and nearly raped by Sougou was a gigantic trigger to me, it caused a very bad series of flashbacks and it was the last time that a new piece of memory came back to me. Sometimes if I am watching a show or movie with a rape scene (the more graphic, the worse it is) it will act as a trigger to me and cause me to have flashbacks. I really can't watch scenes like that even in anime. This is why I am always saying I can't handle scenes like that.
I still can't go into that shed without having problems and sadly I get forced to retrieve things from it anyway. I can however finally be in my back yard and see the shed and be totally fine.
Now, I am not sharing this for attention or for any of you to feel sorry for me. I am discussing this because I don't EVER want anyone to go through what I did. If someone has done something to you without your permission, please speak up! Even if you are told not to, go to a friend, a trusted adult or even the police. Do not keep it to yourself. Go after the piece of shit! Do not let anyone tell you that you are not allowed to talk about it. Do not be afraid, you are not at fault. Please, learn from my mistakes and reach out for help. You don't have to deal on your own. If anyone in this situation or in any situation needs to talk, I will gladly listen. One of my philosophies in life is to be there to listen to anyone in need. I spent so much of my life suffering and battling my demons on my own. I don't ever want to see anyone else feeling that way if I can help it. You can and will get through it.
Thank you so much for reading this. It was really hard for me to write. For 14 years I have kept silent with this and told maybe a few people, but I don't even think I have ever told anyone everything. After not being allowed to talk about it for so long (my family still either 1.won't aknowledge it or 2. Refuses to discuss it) it does give me some anxiety discussing it. I admit I had some terrible anxiety after originally writing this a year ago, just thinking about posting it. But now it feels like a weight was lifted. It means a lot that you read this, it's a huge deal for me that I finally broke my silence and I guess it proves that I'm stronger.
Xoxo
Heather Zombie
You are stronger than you think <3
